A Father’s Envy, Part I: Breastfeeding
Posted: December 14th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »Disclaimer: My wife has been pregnant with our first child for 13 weeks. Only 13 weeks. So I am not yet a father. You would do well to keep in mind that I am speaking from the perspective of anticipation, and NOT from that of experience. Dig? Disclaimers can be so annoying. Glad that’s out of the way.
If you do not read this post, at least click the link towards the end of it. It’s a much better post than mine.
Mother’s Role in Pregnancy and Birth
The connection that a mother shares with a child is, at its very essence, biological. The child comes to exist within the mother’s body, enters the world from the mothers body, and is then nourished by the mother’s body. She creates the child within her, and the child changes her through its growth. Hormones are induced and produced that profoundly affect both creatures.
Father’s Role in Pregnancy and Birth
Me, I get to bring her water and tissues. Wish her well, stroke her forehead, and watch helplessly as she cries through the profoundly beautiful pain of childbirth. I am a feeble bystander in the most profound thing that has ever happened to either of them.
Postpartum (Breastfeeding – with a lengthy disclaimer)
And then, once the child has entered the world, I will remain an innocent bystander in the nourishment of the child. (It’s worth note that we are the type of couple who believes in breast feeding, and are against formula in all situations and scenarios except where it’s absolutely necessary. That said, we neither scold nor judge those who disagree with us. Like vegans who are cool with you eating a burger. If that makes sense. This is apparently a contentious topic among mothers. So you should know how we feel.)
I’m not making a big deal about it, because it’s not a big deal. It’s just a natural truth of the world. And I’m to understand that most fathers are cool with this. I don’t know if I believe that. Maybe they are OK with it. Or maybe they’re better at pretending they are. Either way, I feel deeply and profoundly excluded from this process. I envy that connection (not the pain, no, but the connection, yes). I don’t hold this against anyone. Can I reiterate that fully enough? It’s just how things work. I accept that and am deeply honored by the role that I do play in all this.
Is Envy a Fair Word?
Fathers are not able to bond with their children in the same ways that mothers are. But some have tried. Have you seen the nursing bra for men? It’s the next step of creepiness after the sympathy belly. There exists “bra” made of fake breasts that men can wear and babies can nurse on. It’s like creepiest point between a baby bottle and a Camelbak. I’m not planning to take my fathering anywhere near that thing, but I was under the idea that a breast pump and bottle were better than nothing. I would at least be able to feed the baby myself.
The Brilliant Post
And then I read this: How New Dads Can Bond With Their Breastfeeding Baby
This is a brilliant post (which nearly brought a few tears to my eyes). And suddenly, I felt so reassured about bonding with my child next summer.
Thank you, Melodie.
Despite your disclaimer, you are already far more insightful than many fathers-to-be Terry. Of course I would not expect anything less from you.
Thanks for the disclaimer – and I love the vegan/burger analogy as I am a vegetarian and am constantly reassuring my carnivorous friends that I could care less what they eat…:)
Just wanted to tell you that we breastfed/pumped at the beginning of our journey as parents (ultimately we switched to formula, but that’s another story) and I was adamant about pumping at least one bottle a night so that my husband could do a feeding. I didn’t care if it hurt my supply or any of the other horror stories I heard from LLL. I felt it was equally important for my husband to be involved in the bonding process.
He would do skin-to-skin with the baby while feeding him a bottle. It was wonderful for him and for me to watch.
We had the advantage (??!!) of ending up being a bottle-feeding family, which allowed my husband to co-parent in every way. My son turns to him for comfort just as often as he turns to me. Unfortunately, in those early days, feeding is the bulk of what they do, so if you don’t get to participate, you’re kind of left in the cold. If your wife can pump even one bottle a day though you can definitely reap the rewards of both breastfeeding and being able to bond through a feed with your baby! Good luck to you.